For months, actually years probably, I had dreamed about the moment I would see that pink line on a pregnancy test. There were times I was obsessed with this thought, because I truly wanted it so bad. Though I am a firm believer that everything happens in God’s timing and for a reason, patience did not always come easily. I wanted to be a mom so much at times that I unrealistically wanted to rush into becoming parents. I even tried to convince my husband to become foster parents, rationally he insisted on having our own children first though. I had some medical issues including endometriosis that could make it hard for us which stressed me out even more. I was put on some fertility medication which my body HATED and I ended up in emergency surgery that luckily saved my ovary. I was then in constant pain from ovarian cysts and had a pretty miserable outlook on things. At this point, when my desire turned into depression I knew something needed to change. I had faith I would be a mom and decided I needed to really live my life in the mean time. This is when I decided to become a travel nurse. Though I heard it all; “That will be HARD on a new marriage”, “Are you getting divorced?” “How can you expect to get pregnant if you are away from your husband?!”, Steven and I decided it was going to be ok and we would make it work.
Fast forward 9ish months and what do ya know? My dreams were going to come true! Turns out you CAN make a baby being away from your husband so often LOL. The night I had a feeling to take yet another pregnancy test (I had already taken two about 5 days before) and those lines faintly appeared will forever be engrained in my memory. I was in disbelief because of my long held fear of never becoming pregnant. I stared at the tests (I took wayyy too many lol) , paced my room about a hundred times, and then quickly planned how I would tell Steven when he got home. I made a cute little sign (#1 DAD) paired with a Denver Broncos onesie I had been saving forever and patiently (NOT) waited to break the news.
That night I cried happy tears but quickly the panic set in. Terror actually. I wanted this so badly, yet as a nurse I knew how early pregnancy can go and didn’t want to get my hopes up. I couldn’t imagine losing this precious gift and for weeks this fear was constantly on my mind. I had an early ultrasound at 7 weeks to rule out an ectopic pregnancy and was reassured my baby had a heartbeat and was implanted just right. This still did not help much. My natural tendency to overthink everything took over. All I could do at times was pray. As time went on and all continued to look good I became more relaxed. Truly though, I don’t think my fear will ever go away until that baby is here and in my arms. I have taken care of moms who have lost their babies in every stage of pregnancy; whether miscarriage or preterm labor, pregnancy loss is the most horrific thing. I think that my experiences at work play a large role in my pregnancy anxiety and I blame it on “knowing too much” but I feel like all moms probably have this worry too, right? I also may have not helped things by stopping my anxiety medication when I found out I was pregnant, but there is no way I would feel ok with exposing my baby to that unless absolutely necessary. So I suppose I will just have to be a little crazy these 9 months, haha!
Anyway, I often wonder what other moms, especially first-time moms felt when they became pregnant. There are tons of different circumstances to pregnancy so I think the emotions can really differ. Do we all share that butterfly flutter of excitement and wonder mixed with some OMG what do I do now? As the pregnancy has set in, and each milestone has made it become more real, I have begun to feel more excitement and less afraid. There are too many unknowns as a first-time mom to quite get a grasp on though! How will I be as a mom? Can I do this? Will we (Steven and I) make it? Can we afford a baby? I will spare you the million and one questions I ask myself but for real this whole becoming a mother thing can be kinda scary! Who knew something you want so bad can also create such worry?
Another thing that was crazy for me was that I was still in a travel contract and working 4 hours from home when I became pregnant. I planned to find a job at home once my contract was done in a few weeks, but that also didn’t work out as planned so I ended up signing another contract for 13 weeks, 4.5 hours from home! Trust me, it was not an ideal situation, but I love what I do and was lucky to be presented with another great opportunity to do just that. Growing a baby, working 12+ hour night shifts, being away from home and my husband (and dogs haha), and driving hours upon hours each week has been a true challenge. I am coming out on the other side of these few months with a serious appreciation for family and home. I have been extremely blessed and know I can make it through anything with my love ones behind me and a little faith.
You may ask me what my plan is now. The true answer… I wish I did, but I do not know. Will I go back to nursing? Will I make money from home? Why is stay at home dog mom not a paid career path?? This over-thinking, over-planning, over-worrying mama is going to really have to work on trusting God’s timing once again during the last months of my pregnancy.
If you have any experience or tips for easing the stress please share! Lots of mamas enter motherhood so gracefully and I hope to gain some skills to do the same.
Much love to all the mamas out there; whether your baby is still just a dream, or you’re rocking the mom life, I wish the best to you and your littles!